My Legs are Never Closed- A James Bond parody
by Mystic Dragon2
Summary: This is my parody of James Bond. It can get really funny, so don't miss it. Well, read on to find about the secret agent whose legs are never closed...!


Welcome… this is my first James Bond parody, but definitely NOT my first parody. I have done lots an' lots an' lots of other parodies, so be sure to also check THOSE out. Bye!! (Oh yeah… REVIEW DAMMIT!!!) ^ ^  
  
Things that have {these} things around them are not spoken, just quickly explaining things for the mentally impaired (like me.)  
  
  
  
My Legs are Never Closed- A James Bond parody  
  
  
  
  
  
James Long was walking into a casino. He knew how important it was for him to act cool and calm. To blend in with the crowd. Slowly, ever so calmly, he walked over to the other end of the room, until he tripped over a wild rabid ferret. He flew sideways into the dance stage, getting his head stuck in some outrageously fat guy's ass, who happened to be shaking that wide load to that cheesy song, 'shake shake shake… shake shake shake… shake your booty.'  
  
The fat guy didn't notice Long's head was in his ass, so he kept shaking it, until he gave an extra hard shake, which flung Long into the crowd, where he smacked against a wall.  
  
Quickly getting, he regained his composure. 'Maybe no one noticed,' he thought. 'Maybe if I keep acting cool, no one will not—oh fuck it. My damn cover is already blown.'  
  
Long walked over to a poker table. He saw who he was looking for. Slowly, a lady turned. She was wearing an expensive outfit, and so much makeup, that the eye shadow on her eyes was making her eyes droop. Her face was covered in a plaster-like makeup, and she has so many layers of nail polish on, that her nails had huge hills of nail polish on them.  
  
"So you are the one I am supposed to meet," she said in a teasing voice.  
  
Long was silent for a moment, then spoke.  
  
"The name's Long. James My-You-Know-What-Is Long."  
  
{You have to be really dumb not to get that one. Elora walks over to me and says, 'I don't get it.' *Everyone: sweat drops*}  
  
"My name is Carmen. Carmen Ann Gettit." {Com on and get it}  
  
  
  
"So, you here to discuss this secret agent stuff?" Carmen asked.  
  
"Yes, I am here to--- oh what the hell. You know we'll just end up having sex by the end of the movie."  
  
"True, true."  
  
James Long looked at her for a moment and said, " You know, I'll don't feel like waitin' until the end of the movie, so let's go get a head start."  
  
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They went to a room with a huge bed in the middle. Long meant to throw her on the bed, but missed. She crashed to the floor, and was knocked out unconscious. Long waited half an hour before she woke up. She climbed on the bed herself.  
  
"So," Carmen said. "I hear you have had lots of practice."  
  
James bond looked at her for a moment before replying.  
  
"My legs are never closed."  
  
  
  
He reached in his pockets, and pulled out a strange metal device. "This will render the sex cells useless temporarily, until the body has rejected them. No more need for condoms. This baby works 100% of the time.  
  
He pulled out another device, with strange blinking lights on it. "This will beep if my girlfriends or wives, or your boyfriends or husbands come near, so they will never know we are cheating on them."  
  
He reached again in his pocket, and pulled out a bottle of Viagra. He blushed, threw it aside, and reached in there again, pulling out another device. "This blots the doors entirely, preventing any disturbances."  
  
Carmen Ann Gettit smiled with her fat lips that had 458 layers of cheap lipstick on. "You got the equipment, but do you have the moves?"  
  
"I'll let you figure that out yourself." James Long leapt on her. Actually, he tried to leap on her, but missed, and crashed to the floor. Dazed he got up, and attempted to try again. To make a long story short, he made it.  
  
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It was early in the morning when James awoke. He pulled out an electronic cigar, which sent smoke holograms into the air. He waited until Carmen finally awoke.  
  
"So, how was that?" James asked.  
  
Carmen slapped him. Just so we are clear, slaps hurt a lot. When you are wearing so much nail polish, it makes your hands weigh 24 pounds more, the slap will hurt a LOT more. Anyway, so she slapped him.  
  
"It sucked! You're 4-year old brother was better!!"  
  
'So that's where Henry went everyday after school,' he thought. Out loud, he said, "you had to have known I sucked! How else do you explain me NEVER being with the same lady two movies in a row?  
  
Just then, Long's watch began to beep. A electronic voice came from it.  
  
"Mr. Long, you are needed at the office immediately. This message will self-destruct in ten… nine… oh what the hell, zero!!"  
  
The watch exploded before Long had a chance to take it off, so it severely burnt his arm.  
  
"I am off," he said to very un-pleased Carmen.  
  
And he left…  
  
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He arrived at his HQ to find that old lady there that is always giving him instructions.  
  
"I'm in the mood, Agent God-I'm-In-Heaven." {007}  
  
"Forget it." Long said. "No way am I going near your crusty ass."  
  
"Long, please accept this 'mission'" she said, pleadingly.  
  
'Hell no. I'll take some other one."  
  
"Very well." The crusty lady pressed a button, and a giant TV screen appeared. On it showed a step-by-step instructional video on positions of the 20th century.  
  
"I forgot. You didn't accept THAT mission," the crusty lady said. She pressed another button, and a new image appeared. It showed a 6-inch tall, 2-inch wide solid gold pole. The bottom had streaks of silver, and a replica of Long's head was at the top, which vibrated when an Emerald button was pushed.  
  
"This is… or should I say WAS… my favorite sex toy."  
  
"The museum offered me 30 million dollars for it. I sadly had to decline the offer. Then, while I was *cough* using it, I was knocked out. I woke up about an hour later, and sure enough, it was gone. Someone stole it from me, and I need you to get it back!"  
  
"Yeah right." Long rolled his eyes at her. "You probably dropped it while going somewhere."  
  
The old crusty lady looked at him. "Okay, so I did… but still, I need you to find it!"  
  
"All right, I'll get it for you."  
  
Long walked over to the door, and pressed the button for it to slide open. Unfortunately, it was the wrong one. Instead, a pile of heavy metal objects came crashing down on the old lady. Long, who had his back turned to her, didn't see, but instead tried another button, this time the right one. As the sun began to set, James My-You-Know-What-Is Long set off on his new mission…  
  
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That is THE END.  
  
There is no chapter 2, because I can't think up of enough funny things to happen in it so you are still entertained. Only a few… which is not enough. Please review it. This is one of my favorite parodies, but please still ckeck out my other ones, and email me with any comments you may have at spirit_of_lightning@hotmail.com  
  
-this is where I go!! I'm going now… going… any minute now… Yup, I'm leaving… any moment the chapter will end… WOULD YOU END THE DAMN CHAPTER ALREADY!?!?!?!?!  
  
-----THE END-------  
  
(about time) 


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